Wednesday, August 18, 2004

West Nile Virus: The Terrible Reality

It started out with my idly noticing a dead bird in my front yard. Now, I have seen no less than six dead birds, all dying within the last couple of days, lying on my lawn. To say I was a little freaked out was an understatement. Especially after seeing how lethargic Fluff has been acting recently, and he tends to dine on birds. Luckily, there is not any standing water near the house, but I am still on red alert for mosquitoes.

While I don't have all the facts, and I don't want to start a panic unless I get full credit, I feel it is in the best interest of my community to follow these simple rules in order not to catch this possibly fatal disease.

1. Kill any insect that comes anywhere near you. I know that this may be a little over the top, but if you aren't an entomologist, how do you know that thing buzzing around your head or scuttling across the floor isn't a mosquito. Yeah, that's what I thought.

2. Keep away from all fucking birds! They are obviously carrying the virus, that's why they are dying from it! If one were to go all Hitchcock on you, you better believe that you will get infected, and it's asta la vista, baby. Just stay the Hell away from them. If you own a bird as a pet, kill it. Use a gun, because you don't want that little fucker getting in one good last peck at you. Do it! Do it now!

3. Slather your body in mounds of insect repellent or Crisco. The repellent is obvious, but the Crisco is a little more subtle, and when a mosquito lands on you, it will immediately be entombed in gelatinous cottonseed oil. That'll learn 'em. Plus, you don't want to have sex with insect repellent, but Crisco...

4. Never leave your house again.You won't want to go outside anymore, that's where they live. You'll be too busy killing your domestic pets and having sex covered in vegetable shortening, anyway.

Hope this helps. Remember, we're all in this together, so if you're looking for someone to share in the Crisco sex, give me a call!


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