Tuesday, June 29, 2004

What's Gaelic for "Let Me Finish"?


Bush's handlers(see: Karl Rove) really fucked up when they let Irish journalist Carole Coleman dig into Dubya about his handling of the War On Terrorism. Their sloppy foray into the non-White House Press Corps journalist pile has resulted in an international image of a president who can't finish answering questions without swerving into empty statements. Carole Coleman, who was conducting an interview for RTE, asked some pointed questions of our leader. His answers felt so prescripted, that he couldn't even let her interject without losing his place. He asked her to stop interrupting him no less than five times, and while this may sound like typical rudeness on it's surface for Ms. Coleman, if you watch the video, you can see that she is not being any more aggressive than the normal press corps that Dubya is used to. Except for the fact that she wasn't afraid of him.

While on the outset our fearless leader seems to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, he is quickly knocked off-balance by the successive questions asked of him by this Irish correspondent. He refuses to be derailed by her honest questioning, constantly asking her to allow him to answer first, then she can follow up with further questions if she wishes. The problem is, he never fully answers the questions. While we are used to this sort of "softwalling", the Irish(in their infinite wisdom and glory), don't put up with this sort of shite. The boghopping bastards want answers, not rhetorical questions. And this leaves our president looking like an asshole. Big surprise, eh?

This interview will surely be cast as an example of how poorly the foreign media treats international leaders with their "tabloid" approach to interviews. I urge you to watch this for yourselves(start the RealMedia feed about 20 minutes in) and see for yourself. It sure ain't Fahrenheit 9/11, but it still paints a picture of a man who is no longer sure of his own actions.

Monday, June 28, 2004

We out! Peace!


Last night the U.S. handed over power to Iraq. U.S. Administrator Paul Bremer gave the necessary legal documents to an Iraqi judge in a small ceremony, and got the hell out of there. This move was intended to avoid any sort of nightmare terrorist attack that could wipe out the entire interim government. Prime Minister Iyad Allawi was sworn in, and can now officially kiss his ass goodbye. Although we all knew this day was going to come, it still feels sort of like we are bugging out on this new government. Of course, we're not. Our troops will be there as long as it takes for the new government to stabilize, which means until they are killed by a car bomb or until Hell freezes over.

How long will it be until the current administration is summarily wiped out by attacks? Probably damn quick. But, hopefully there will be a calming aspect to this power shift, and all the Iraqi militants will see this as a victory over the infidel swine. Then the killing might finally stop.

Yeah, right.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

The Architect of Armageddon


While the rest of the nation focuses on the Scott Peterson trial, another local trial sits in the shadows. A jury in the town of Martinez, county seat of Contra Costa, will retire to consider the bizarre case of Glenn Taylor Helzer, an excommunicated Mormon who has admitted to killing and dismembering five people in a plot to bring about Judgment Day. Wait, it gets wierder. Helzer, who was kicked out of the Mormons when he deemed himself the one true prophet of God and created the "12 Principles of Magic", brought together a small following, called the "Children Of Thunder", which included his younger brother, a self-described "good Witch", and September 2000 Playboy Playmate Kerrisa Fare. Also in this motley crew was Selina Bishop, 22-year-old daughter of the blues guitarist Elvin Bishop, who unfortunately became one of Helzer's victims when she was killed to silence her. Let's start from the beginning.

Helzer, a former stock broker, had decided that he was the one true prophet of God. I already said that, but this is what writing is all about. I guess the Mormons where a little pissed about this and gave him the boot. This obviously sent Helzer over the edge. He had devised a plan called "Brazil", in which he would bring in South American orphans and train them to be assassins. Their targets? The 15 elders who run the Mormon church. The blame would be placed on the shoulders of "the government behind the government". He could then wrest control of the church and make himself the one ruler for all the Later Day Saints, and this would somehow bring about the Second Coming. Something tells me he might be a little crazy, if only because his plot requires large leaps in logic.

But plans like this need some serious funding. The unnamed witch of the group had suggested that she could act in porn films to make some money, but Helzer had a better idea. He went through his old Rolodex and decided to extort the money from an elderly couple who were former clients. He tortured them, gave them Rohypnol, and forced them to write checks amounting to $100,000. Then they were bludgeoned to death and dismembered. Next in line was Selena Bishop, who apparently had had enough of this whole "ending the world" shit and wanted out of the cult. Helzer then killed Bishop's mother and her mother's boyfriend.

He had an issue with disposing of the body parts, and had entertained the thought of feeding the pieces to his Rottweiler, but had decided that this was impractical. As if any of the rest of the plan was practical in the least. He then decided to put the bodies in duffel bags and drop them in the delta, taking pains to knock out the teeth of the victims with a hammer and chisel. Dawn Godman, Helzer's former housemate, described as much to the revolted jury. She was always on the whole body cleanup crew, as Helzer was too busy communing with "the Spirit" and decided his next action.

Now, this story is pretty fucking weird as it is, but why has it been eclipsed by the Peterson trial, and only now has become newsworthy? Behold our next member, Kerissa Fare. This girl was a former girlfriend of Helzer's, and described how it was him that convinced her to send in nude photos of herself to Playboy. This led to her being Miss September of 2000. When a Playmate enters a murder trial, you know that the press will be a little more interested. She explained that Helzer was a very charismatic guy, which is a requirement for starting up your own cult. It's in a book somewhere, I think.

She also said that Helzer's younger brother, Justin, was one of those willowy treehugger types that wouldn't eat meat and wouldn't even harass insects if he found them in the house. Yet he still participated in the murders and helped in the cleanup afterwards. Talk about a double standard.

I first heard about this story yesterday, and already it seems like all the major media outlets are covering it now. It just goes to show, tits get you noticed.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

For Many Perverts, The Wait Is Finally Over


Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have now turned 18. So what? All across the internet, you can hear belts being unbuckled and zippers being unzipped as the untold multitudes of online pervs can now fap to pics of the Dynamic Duo without the guilt of being considered a pedophile. But where is the attraction?

I will admit, there was a time when it looked like the Olsen twins would turn out to be two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. But if you look at recent pictures, it is apparent that they are trying out the "burned out Hollywood child star junkie" look early. I mean, just Google their images and you'll see what I mean. Not only does it seem that they have had some work done on their lips, especially Ashley, but it looks like they have decided to stop caring for themselves. The oily hair thing was over, or at least that was I was led to believe. Although the pervs out there all probably imagine what it would be like to spend the night with them, nobody wants to see what they would look like the next morning. And that's exactly what their recent pictures look like.

I'm hoping that they have played their last hand, and we will finally be rid of the both of them. They got all the money they need, maybe they should spend some of it on some shampoo and an island where they can stop assaulting us with their thereness. Unless they spend some more time looking presentable and not so much rubbing on each other like they were Tatu, they should be exiled to the Land Of Forgotten Toys.

But if they do a nude spread for Playboy, I'm totally buying that issue. For research. No, really.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Prison Mistreatment Is Nothing New


Gerry Adams has decided to regale us with his fond memories of RUC detainment. The president of Sinn Fein and MP for Belfast West claims similar mistreatment at the hands of the military-style police force in Northern Ireland years and years before the Abu Gharib scandal. Punches in the nuts and other psychological torture were apparently served to this leader of the political arm to the IRA a couple of times in the past. Adams states that the British Army were well adept at meting out punishment to those they felt were instigating unrest in the shaky region, not just leaving it at physical abuse. There were also periods of psychological abuse, as well.

While this may seem harsh, we must also look at this from the British viewpoint. The IRA were systematically killing and injuring many British civilians who lived in Northern Ireland. And terrorists rarely respond to a firm "stop that!" While I tend to side with the IRA on some of their points, they must also take responsibility for what they have done. Sinn Fein was not established at the time when Adams was captured and mistreated, so we must assume that he was hanging out with a crew of people with British blood on their hands. I'm not saying that the treatment was justified if true, because it wasn't, but you have to consider the consequences of your own actions.

While the prisoner abuse was disturbing and wrong, the soldiers there had too often seen their comrades killed at the hands of terrorists and insurgents. Feelings of revenge can cloud one's judgment. While you may feel like you are on holy high ground with your convictions, so did Jesus, and look where that got him.

Right now this story is just a bunch of unsubstantiated claims. I will no longer stick my neck out and claim that such accusations are God's truth. But, if Adams can back up these statements, it certainly makes the British RUC seem every bit as cruel as our own troops in times of terrorist threats. And that makes what happened at Abu Gharib okay.

No, wait...

RIP: Ronald Reagan


Ronald Reagan is dead at the age of 93. While I could take the time to dig into his blotchy handling of the U.S. economy during his tenure as president, or nitpick about how he lied to the American people about not trading arms for hostages to Iran, which blew up in our faces and which was the root of most of our problems now, I will not. Such things would be in bad taste, and he was actually the only Republican president in my life that I actually liked.

So, this time, I will shut the fuck up. For the Gipper.