Monday, May 31, 2004

Why Is This Man Smiling?


Because he is deranged. This unfortunate soul has so immersed himself in the delusion that he is in the Star Trek universe that he has even given himself the rank of Admiral. That is just plain bullshit, considering that I'm an Admiral with Starfleet Command, and he never shows up for the meetings at Lyon's on Sunday mornings.

I don't know whether to pity a soul like this, willingly giving himself to his pitiful delusion of grandeur, or to heap my derision on him for being such a geek. For the interests of this blog, I'll go for the latter.

Really, the whole thing boils down to this: if you have a "glamour shot" of your sister on your website, you're sick. Really. You need therapy. Also, the crotch shot of you at Space Camp graduation is priceless. It's my new desktop wallpaper. I find it distracting, but in a good way.

Also, in his news section, he let everyone know that he is dropping out of the University of Texas at Dallas, because it's "not a good fit". Obviously, he received his acceptance letter from Starfleet Academy, and is trying to let them down easy. I wouldn't pussyfoot around this decision, I'm sure UTD gets a lot of dropouts from Starfleet hopefuls.

Now, if he only read this blog, he would know that we are nearing extinction because of an imminent collision with a comet. Being an Admiral in Starfleet Command, he should get off his corpulent ass and put a couple of photon torpedoes in that sumbitch. But you don't get that fat being a man of action. The enlisted men know what I'm talking about.

Don't Make Plans For Christmas


Shit, we're all screwed. And, of course, it happens right during my birthday.

The tinfoil hat-wearing people of the internet have "discovered" a deception by the governments of the world to keep us in the dark about an impending comet strike. This makes this Doomsday 3,614 for me so far, considering that the world is supposed to end every four months or so. But, this one has been backed up by "credible evidence". Which means wild allegations and nihilistic reasoning.

The evidence stems from an intercepted military transmission from a broadcaster with the callsign "Snowball" and another party named "Burrow" on shortwave discussing a countdown to impact. Now, if you know anything about radios and the military, you know they aren't the types to broadcast unscrambled on shortwave. Especially when it concerns the end of the world. Couple this with the admittedly weird dispatching of large amounts of naval war vessels for the entire month of June. Not just America, either. Apparently many countries have their navies putting to sea for the month. A possible coincidence, but it does make you scratch your head for a minute. That tinfoil hat gets itchy.

Further on in this article it mentions Dubya landing on the aircraft carrier last year to make his famous "Mission Accomplished" speech. So what, you say? Well, smartypants, did you know that Queen Elizabeth had pulled a similar surprise landing on a British warship in late April of this year? The alarms go off in your paranoid head. Obviously, they are prepping the leaders of the world to be evacuated to ships when the big one hits. I don't even have a rowboat, but you better bet that I'm putting one on the roof of my building ASAP. I'll pack it with ramen and books, and maybe a dome tent or something.

All in all, there is no reason to worry. All that crap about a lottery for those who will be saved we saw in Deep Impact won't really happen. We'll be left to fend for ourselves, and the ruling elite will be comfy in their giant ships and hollowed out mountains. My advice to you: learn to swim. I try not to give these conspiracies any credence, first of all because they are usually full of shit. Second of all, well, if they ARE true we're fucked anyway.

Oh, and check out the "o" at the end of my name on this post. Is that metal,or what?

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Escalation vs. Exit: The Costs Of Both


"Nitwit pundits and Sunday morning television sages, with that faked look of thoughtfulness which is their trademark, talk about an exit strategy as if it were just one more Mapquest printout. But any such exit strategy will lead us only on a short path to hell."

So writes Tony Blankley, editorial editor at the Washington Times, adding, "The essential strategic element in war is to defeat the enemy's will to win, and accepting anything less than triumph in Iraq will catastrophically embolden the terrorists."

Blankley raises valid and grave questions. He is saying that, no matter where one stood on going to war, we went. Now, anyone who thinks we can swiftly exit Iraq without paying a hellish price is a nitwit.

Blankley is right. Should America pull out now, our enemies across the Islamic world will indeed be emboldened. The perception of American defeat could produce a domino effect running down through the sheikdoms of the Gulf into Saudi Arabia and spreading across the region. Iraq could dissolve into chaos and civil war.

All this is possible. Indeed, the possibility that Iraq could become a giant Lebanon for the United States was among the reasons some of us implored the president not to send our Army up the Euphrates Valley to occupy a city that was the seat of the caliphate for 500 years.

But if there are risks to a too-rapid transfer of sovereignty to Iraqis, there are risks to escalating this war. Query: When Osama sees Sunnis rising up to fight Americans from Fallujah to Baghdad, and Shiites taking up arms in Karbala and Najaf and marching against America in Beirut in the hundreds of thousands, is he not rejoicing that we took the bait and invaded Iraq? Has not the invasion enlarged the recruiting pool for anti-American terrorism?

In the war on terror, a critical objective was to isolate Osama as a mass murderer who did not represent Islam. Osama's goal was to embed himself in the Arab and Islamic causes of expelling the infidel Americans from the sacred soil of Saudi Arabia and ending what he denounced as our persecution of the oppressed Iraqi people.

Osama sought to conflate his war with the Arab cause. It was in our interest to keep them separate. But the invasion of Iraq, an attack on an Arab country that did not attack us and did not want war with us, united and aroused the Arab world against us, and with bin Laden.

And just as those who argue for an accelerated withdrawal must face up to the risks, those who favor escalation must consider the risks of trying to attain a political objective that appears to be receding before our eyes.

If victory means a pro-Western democracy in Iraq that embraces American values, what is the likelihood of achieving that now, given the raging hostility in the Sunni and Shiite sectors? Are we closer to the goal than we were 13 months ago? Or has the fighting of April-May and the moral squalor of Abu Ghraib pushed our goal even further away?

What will be the final cost in blood and treasure of ultimate victory? How lasting will victory be once our troops depart, as one day they must? Will the American people who read polls where 57 percent of the Iraqis want us out and more than half think killing our soldiers is justified, and every lethal attack on a U.S. vehicle brings out a mob in wild celebration continue to feel Iraqi democracy is worth Americans dying for?

As Washington Times columnist Terry Jeffrey writes, idealists may dream of a democratic, secular and pro-Western Iraq, but traditionalists would settle for an Iraq that has no WMD, does not invade its neighbors and does not collude with terrorists.

I didn't write this piece, but I think it explains the worries most of us have nicely.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

John Ashcroft Can't Shut Up

Why is it that anyone even listens to this guy anymore? Ashcroft cites public statements and "intelligence" reports from the U.S. as pointing towards an imminent attack on the country this summer. While there are obvious political ramifications to such a terror risk, one can only wonder why anyone listens to this asshole in the first place. The last I heard, President Bush was busy raking Ashcroft over the coals because of his faulty information concerning Iraq's WMD. Although, ultimately, it's Bush's responsibility to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to informing the people about the reasons for war, Dubya let Ashcroft swing for bad intel. Then, when the prison abuse scandal broke out, Bush pushed his favorite sacrificial lamb out once again to take the bullets. Then he was big enough to state that Ashcroft was doing a bang-up job on ridding the democratic world from tyranny. Now, we hear from him once again about really old intelligence about a summer attack, and the familiar faces are thrown up on our televisions. These insurgents have been touted every single time that we get a heightened state of alert. And not only have they not been seen in the U.S., which is weird considering that almost every person profiled on America's Most Wanted get picked up within the week, but we are supposed to think that by profiling these terrorists, that somehow we are immune to attack.

The real horror of the War On Terror is that we have been a target for a long time. The longer that we meddle in the affairs of other highly religious countries, the brighter the target we paint on ourselves. I'm not saying that we should withdraw from all foreign skirmishes, I'm just saying that we should really review our stances before we send in our troops. Part of the reason that America is so hated by the Islamic community is our unflappable support of Israel. I understand that the Jews have gone through a lot and deserve a break from persecution, but it is obvious that they don't feel the same way. You can argue with me on this point as much as you like, but numbers don't lie. The Israelis have killed more Palestinians with American supplied arms than you can count, and we still say we take a "hands off" approach to Middle Eastern policies? That's just plain bullshit.

I know that being the world's biggest superpower means that you have to babysit the rest of the planet, but there is a difference between making sure everyone plays fair and taking sides. We have taken sides for far too long, and it has blown up in our faces.

Do I have an "exit strategy" for this problem? No. Neither does anyone else. When you step that far into a pile of shit, there is no option but to take a stick and scrape it off. Where is this analogy going? Damned if I know. But if you touch me with that stick, I'll kick your ass. Oh, and John Ashcroft is a lying asshole.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Coming This Summer: Terror Attack II!


Holy Shit! We're all gonna die! This summer, the Department of Homeland Security has promised big things. Namely, a new terror attack. Tom Ridge(who is pictured above, looking like he just took a left hook from the Invisible Man), has stated that they have been given "very credible" reports that an al-Qaida attack is imminent. What is missing is the What, Where, and When that the teetotalers need in order to justify hiding under their desks for the rest of the year.

A possible motive for this renewed aggression is the idea of undermining Tom's precious new Department. If we were to lose our faith in Homeland Security's abilities to protect us from the insidious terrorists, those of us that had any faith in them in the first place, then we would have to re-evaluate the entire Department. Another thought is that a terrorist attack could influence the November elections. I don't see how attacking the U.S.A. is going to positively affect the elections for them, unless they blow up both candidates and Osama wins by a write-in.

Every couple of months we need to go through this whole "Aaaaahhh! Terrorists!" bullshit, and every time it turns out to be nonsense. I'm sure that they would have the common sense to wait until we weren't ready to launch an attack, like they did the first time. I also have been wondering about the timing of this warning. So close after the Abu Gharib prison scandal, and with the Nick Berg beheading not doing much to take the heat off the administration, this new alert smells of political distraction. But, that is just my conspiracy-monitor going off.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Bush Will Try And Save Face By Eating Into Monday Primetime


President Bush will go on the air tonight to try and convince a skeptical American public that his plan for turning over Iraq to the Iraqis will work. Although no changes have been made for the transition, and we still haven't made a firm date for the turnover, Bush is trying to patch up his approval rating to the American people after the prison abuse scandal fairly shredded it. This means that "Fear Factor" will probably be pre-empted by a thirty-five minute "It Ain't So Bad" speech.

But, really, who could blame him? No recent president has ever won a re-election with such poor marks this far into an election year. With the haunting possibility that the *gasp* Democrats may get back in the White House, I'm surprised that he hasn't just declared Martial Law or decided to name himself king.

Bush will also try and sway the international community to help bring about a peaceful transfer of power. I'm sure the U.N. wants to get involved now that we have done such a good job of convincing the Iraqi people that western interests are only there to help.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

No Return Of The Living Dead

I guess Andy Kaufman is dead after all. Turns out the article on Yahoo! was only a press release, and the blog doesn't seem to be manned anymore. Well, at least I didn't stick my neck out and say that it was him for sure.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Return Of The Living Dead


I don't fucking believe it! Andy Kaufman had said that if he did not really die in 1984 from cancer, that he would come back twenty years later. This would cement his status as the greatest performance of all time. Well, if this isn't a hoax, then he accomplished his mission.

Andy says that he won't be returning to the limelight, as he has grown comfortable with the low-key life he has been leading these past two decades. He has a blog up on this very same network, where you can follow his rebirth and some of the stories he has been keeping all this time. I feel like we're neighbors. I wonder how The Cliftons are going to react.

I still don't quite believe it, but his re-emergence feels sincere. I'll keep you posted, or you can just bookmark his site and see for yourself.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I Still Want To Believe


Alright, everyone, no need to worry. The lights seen following the Mexican Air Force pilots last week are nothing but ball lightning. According to Julio Herrera, a scientist at Mexico's National Autonomous University, the light effects captured by the plane's FLIR system were probably nothing but the world's rarest atmospheric event, next to actual extraterrestrials. Although there is only one actual ball lightning event ever videotaped, which doesn't really resemble this footage, most media are reporting this theory as truth. If you now try to Google this article, you will see that there are almost twice as many article explaining this sighting away as ball lightning as there are articles reporting it in the first place.

Whatever, draw your own conclusions. Believe if you must.

The Sacrificial Lamb?


It was bound to happen. All the tinfoil-hat wearing people of the world have focused on the beheading of Nick Berg, looking for inconsistencies. If you read this article from kuro5hin.org, the author has scoured the web to bring to the reading public the 50 most talked about issues with the Nick Berg execution. Some are paper-thin, other are quite intriguing. The notable ones are in regards to the identity of the killer, who claims that he is Abu Masab Al-Zaraqawi. There are many inconsistencies with the killer physically and what we know of Al-Zaraqawi. He wears a badly-fitting prosthetic leg, which he could barely walk on. The killer can not only walk well on it, he can also knee-drop onto someone without any visible discomfort. There are several tattoos on the Al-Zaraqawi's right hand, these are not visible in the video, even though we get a good shot of said hand. Also, there is the claim made by insurgents that Al-Zaraqawi was killed in a US bombing raid last year. But we might never be able to confirm this. And if the US is behind the beheading, why would we confirm this anyway?

And this is the basis of my point: This evidence will get buried and the story will be nothing but a conspiracy theory from now on. There is no way that the American government will admit to this killing, if in fact we were behind it. You can chase down all the leads you want, but without admission, it will turn out to be like the JFK assassination. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to make some sense out of what happened and try to bring the culprits to justice. But some people are beyond the reach of justice. And all of these inconsistencies might just be coincidence. Really, if the CIA wanted to do this, they wouldn't have done such a sloppy job. Now, the prison wards at Abu Gharib, however, seem stupid enough to have maybe tried this to get the world off their asses before they are all sent to prison for the rest of their lives. That I could buy before thinking it was some grand conspiracy involving the whole US government.

We'll probably never know, and that's the crappiest part.

Bay To Breakers Brings Nudes Out Of The Woodwork


The famous Bay To Breakers marathon was run yesterday in the city of San Francisco. Apart from the obligatory teeming masses of Elvises and crossdressers, we were all treated to the customary appearance of very old people who feel it is their obligation to assault us with their nakedness. While I was not offended by the nudity per se, I must take issue with the physical attractiveness of these people.

Why can't some really hot girls do this, rather than wrinkly old men and even wrinklier old women? You knew children were going to be present. You could put them off from sex for the rest of their lives with such a display. I'm no Adonis myself, but you don't see me sauntering down the avenue with my schlong swinging in the breeze. Well, not all the time, at least.

By the way, the rolling bars were quite a sight. It was refreshing to see so many drunk people staggering down the streets of San Francisco at nine o'clock in the morning. I imbibed as well, getting into the spirit of the festivities.

All in all it was a good race, if you could call it that, since there were only two people who were even in competition. But that isn't the point of the Bay To Breakers. In fact, there really is no point to the Bay To Breakers, except to be weird. They couldn't have asked for a better location.

Thursday, May 13, 2004


This is a picture of my second cousin, Max Stahl. Cute little bugger, isn't he? By the way, he's the one being held up, not the woman with the pearls. She is my cousin Billy's wife, Kristen, which makes her my cousin-in-law, I think. I was never that good at this geneology crap.

Lynndie England: Horndog


Pfc. Lynndie England has really screwed up this time. If you live in my area, you may have seen this petite soldier claiming that the pictures showing her smiling and pointing at the genitals of her charges or posing while holding them by a leash were taken "under orders". Supposedly, somebody up her chain of command demanded that these pics be taken, and she felt ashamed by her involvement, but she would not name who had given her the order.

Well, now we know why. According to the Pentagon, some of the smut they didn't show on national TV included videos of England having sex with multiple partners in front of the prisoners. Now, I can't imagine any female soldier following an order like that if she were not willing. So, this West Virginia redneck broad just got her ass handed to her, as she may face up to 15 years in prison for her participation in the "festivities".

Way to go, Lynndie, as if we didn't look bad enough as it is. Posted by Hello

Monday, May 10, 2004


Let's see if this works. This is from "The Night Of The Sake Bombs". Posted by Hello

The New Blogger

Christ on parade! The folks at Blogger, which is the site I use for making this blog, have decided to completely revamp the user interface. The idea is that the web publishing tools that we on the Blogger network have been using for years are completely out of date and sometimes hard to use. Now, I like the possibility of posting pics to this blog. But it doesn't seem to work very well. If you don't have a paying account, the Help Page tells you to download a small program that will automate posting for you. Well, I tried it, and not only is the interface impossible to figure out, there is no support for it either on the site. I dicked around with it and thought I had gotten it to post a picture. Nope. Just a little link going back to the program's website. Yah, thanks a lot.

Then I tried to post an image of myself to my profile so it would show up on the top of the page whenever anybody logged on. This time I tried to go through Angelfire, which still hosts my first page, and uploaded the 13k image by using a URL which led to the pic. Now, Photoshop tends to save pictures with extensions like .JPG instead of .jpg, or .GIF instead of .gif. Blogger doesn't like that. It assumed the pic was not the right format because the letters were in capital. Now, Photoshop is pretty popular. I would think that it would be in their best interests if they would have fixed this bug before launch, but maybe that's just me.

Anyway, so not only did I not get to send a picture to my blog, but now I have this crappy little program, and I had to sign up for their newsletter as well before they would allow me to download it.

Thanks, Blogger. I'm sure you guys will get the wrinkles ironed out eventually, but I'm pretty stressed over this. I'm such a fuckin' whiner, huh?

Sunday, May 02, 2004

I have recently found a link to a press junket in Egypt where Colin Powell was asked about the continuing sanctions against Iraq. This remark was made on 2/24/01.

"We will always try to consult with our friends in the region so that they are not surprised and do everything we can to explain the purpose of our responses. We had a good discussion, the Foreign Minister and I and the President and I, had a good discussion about the nature of the sanctions -- the fact that the sanctions exist -- not for the purpose of hurting the Iraqi people, but for the purpose of keeping in check Saddam Hussein's ambitions toward developing weapons of mass destruction. We should constantly be reviewing our policies, constantly be looking at those sanctions to make sure that they are directed toward that purpose. That purpose is every bit as important now as it was ten years ago when we began it. And frankly they have worked. He has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors. So in effect, our policies have strengthened the security of the neighbors of Iraq, and these are policies that we are going to keep in place, but we are always willing to review them to make sure that they are being carried out in a way that does not affect the Iraqi people but does affect the Iraqi regime's ambitions and the ability to acquire weapons of mass destruction, and we had a good conversation on this issue."

Now, it is blatantly evident that the Bush Administration was convinced that there were no Weapons Of Mass Destruction in Saddam's hands before Sept. 11th. And any attempt to start up a WMD project would have been well-nigh impossible under the scrutiny of the U.S.A. after the terror attacks. Not completely impossible, but the next best thing. So, with our intelligence not changing much in the ensuing seven months until the attacks, how did we suddenly decide that Saddam was an "imminent threat"? Well, you can use your imagination.