Sunday, March 21, 2004

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. Blah blah blah, I'm sure you guys are sick of hearing that shit, so let's get started.

On Friday, I finally took the ol' "whiz quiz" for my prospective new contract job with SBC. The paperwork was sent out from Bay City, MI. on Wednesday but didn't arrive on my doorstep until Friday because FedEx apparently didn't know that my street existed. Even though they have brought me plenty of packages in the past, they sent two drivers consecutively who could not figure out that 5th Street is between 4th Street and 6th Street. I had to spend time on the phone convincing the good folks at the contracting agency that I was not just trying to put off the piss test until I was clean. Well, they finally found my house, apologized profusely, and I was off to pee in a cup in the name of employment.

I don't know about the rest of you, but peeing on command is not one of those talents I have fully mastered. Even though I drank approximately four gallons of water before I left for the lab, by the time I got there it was a no go. I explained that it was a simple matter of "stage fright" and I would only need a few minutes to gather my composure. Thirty minutes later the people at the lab were getting fairly insistent that I "shit or get off the pot", to turn a phrase. I took the cup into a bathroom that was festooned with signs of varying colors demanding that I fight my instinct to flush my pee after I had filled my cup up. Whatever, there wasn't that much to begin with. So I brought my half-filled cup back in to get labeled and tested, and I was allowed to retrieve the items I had emptied out of my pockets before going into the bathroom. Well, the drive home was absolute Hell! I have never had to pee so bad in my life. I almost wet myself driving the half-mile through the city streets of San Jose back to my house, even though I had just gone. That afternoon I must have taken a piss a dozen times, and every time it took like a minute to finish. I guess my bladder was pacing itself.

Now all I have to do is wait for the results and I'm in. Unless all that cough medication I drank for the buzz shows up, or that crack I smoked the night before. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

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