Thursday, February 26, 2004

My atheistic beliefs have been seriously shaken. Howard Stern has been taken off the air in accordance with ClearChannel's new zero tolerance obscenity stance. I'm sure that there are those of you who read this and actually like Howard's humor. For you, all I can say is, "HAHA!"

I have hated this immature buffoon's poor attempts at humor since the old days at WNBC in New York City. Yes, I have had to listen to him for the last twenty years, and no matter what morning shows I find, it seems that every person I carpool with is a Howard fan. I really don't understand why people find him funny, it's possibly a pack mentality kind of thing, but there are certainly a lot of you. Every time I would go to work, someone would utter the soul-withering phrase "Did you hear what Howard did this morning?" And the answer was always the same; he interviewed a porn star, or talked about the size of his dick, or otherwise did something that is not only inappropriate for a morning show audience, it's also completely inappropriate for radio! So you have a hot girl in your studio, so what? IT"S RADIO! We can't see her, and you always describe them the same way. You would think that someone who has been in the business for so long would understand this, but Howard has somehow missed it. All this, plus the fact that he just isn't funny, ever. I'm not saying that I'm insulted by the puerile things he says on the air, I'm not. I'm insulted by the fact that he thinks we should be laughing at the stupid shit he says. When he talks over the various sound clips that Robin plays incessantly, at least he should try to say something remotely humorous. But he can't even do that. And yet I meet people all the time that claim that he is the funniest guy on the radio. No, he's not. He's not even as funny as G. Paul Getty. He's not even as funny as Rush Limbaugh, and that guy makes me laugh and scream in a rage at the same time. Shit, Paul Harvey is funnier than him!

Well, now I don't have to worry about hearing any more idiotic stories about Howard's imbecilic antics for at least the next few days until ClearChannel caves in and lets him back on the air. Today he apparently told his bosses to fire him while he was making another one of his ridiculously misinformed rants. They should have taken him up on it.

Don't send me emails about how Howard is some sort of comedic genius and I just don't "get it". I don't want to "get it" if that means that I start braying like a jackass whenever he starts going off on another one of his very, very, very, unfunny tangents. Try this out at work if you think I don't know what I'm talking about. When you are conversing with a group of your coworkers, try interjecting with some of the sorts of things Stern would say on his show and see if you A) get fired B)get slapped with a sexual harassment suit, or C) are carried around on the shoulders of your colleagues and branded the new "Office Comedian". But update your resume first.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Hi! Sorry I haven't been here in a while. I have been pretty busy with work and social engagements, so the blog has suffered. Sorry about that. I just wanted to pop in and comment on the recent goings-on in San Francisco concerning same-sex marriages.

San Francisco's mayor, Gavin Newsome(hope I spelled that right), has decided to uphold the flurry of same-sex marriage licenses given out by the city since Valentine's Day. It finally gives some folks some legal rights that they should have been given long ago in a city a progressive as this. There was no time to wonder if the partner was "the right one" this time around. You had to hussle your ass down to City Hall and get it done before the bigwigs decided to enforce state law, which does not recognize these types of unions. Of course, this is what happened. Our own Governator has stepped in and laid down the law, stating that the law clearly says that marriage is defined as a union between a man and woman. Everyone else can only get a Declaration of Domestic Partnership.

This same meathead has decided to fight the Constitution's mandate that only natural-born Americans can become President of the US. I'd hate to resort to foul language or using dialog from one of his many films, but fuck you, asshole! The reasons you use to legitimize a change to this law are exactly the same ones that could be used to legitimize a union between two people who love each other. So you've been in this country for over twenty years. There are plenty of gay couples who have been together for at least that long. So you have been a hard-working American since you've been sworn in. What have they been doing, trying to overthrow the government?
" First, we'll start with TLC, then we'll overtake all the programming on Bravo. Next stop, MSNBC! We've got this presidential election in our pockets now!"
Why would you want to be the governor of the most progressive state in the union and still be such a fuckwad? Just because you're doing a better job than Gray Davis, that doesn't mean your doing a good job. It sounds like Arnie has decided to take up the Christian flag that his Republican cronies have reluctantly been bearing since Dubya has stolen office, and it will not sit well with the voters when he comes up for election. Like he gives a shit.

Why did I start on this unfocused tirade? I just can't stand it when civil rights are crushed because of intolerance or simple shortsightedness. Laws like this are not only out of date, but demoralizing to a lot or registered voters. Let people who have people who love them reap the fringe benefits. I think that is a Helen Reddy song.

Oh, and Marcia Barlow can blow it out her ass.

Friday, February 13, 2004

One last thing. In case you haven't heard, Matt Drudge has once again dug up some inappropriate gossip on yet another public figure. John Kerry apparently has had a relationship out of wedlock and sent the hapless girl overseas so as not to embarrass him during his campaign for the presidency of the United States. Well, the Slate has fired back with a really funny article on how to rationalize publicizing of such rumors. It's a pretty good read.

Now this I could get behind! An obvious weakness that isn't exploited with Muslim suicide bombers is their aversion to all things porcine. Don't ask me why that is, I don't understand anything about Islamic religions, but putting bags of pigfat on buses sounds like a novel way of using what would otherwise only be thrown out or poured into a cup by the edge of the sink. My mom used to save the fat runoff from bacon for God knows what purpose, since it never seemed that she used it afterward. This stinky little cup would just sit contentedly by the soap, as if it was some sort of cure-all for your frying needs. Maybe she was worried about Muslim suicide bombers coming in during Sunday brunch, we were Catholics then.

Wow, got a little sidetracked there. Anyway, I would think an even better way of thwarting these religious zealots would be to simply smear ourselves with pigfat before boarding any public transit vehicle. Combined with the oppressive heat of the Middle East, the ensuing smell would conjure up delicious images of breakfast, and who wouldn't want that? It would probably cover up the *ahem* other smells one would most likely encounter on a crosstown bus in Jerusalem.

Now I know a use for all that bacon fat my Mom saved! Mom, if you still have some, send it to the Holy Land ASAP!

It's getting so that a regular Joe can't make a little money off the web without The Man coming down on him. Seriously, if you are so stupid as to advertise your services as a hired assassin on the internet, you deserve to go to jail. I could go on and on about this article, but I won't put you through that. The jokes are way too obvious.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

President Bush has decided not to ask Congress for funding for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan until December or January. This wouldn't be such a big issue, but the funds that the military have now to fight this War On Terror will run out at the end of September. That basically leaves our military broke for three months!

Why would Bush, who so often claims that the War On Terror is this administration's first priority, allow such a thing to happen? Well, the last time that Bush asked Congress for this additional funding-which is not a part of the Pentagon's normal budget-his approval rating took a precipitous drop. Dubya and Sen. John Kerry's approval ratings are very close, so asking for this money so close to election time would most likely sink his chances at a second term.

Donald Rumsfeld claimed that the administration just needed some time to get a better idea of how much money will actually be needed to support our ongoing efforts abroad. But they didn't have any problems last year when they asked for $87 billion. The only issue was Bush's approval rating. As you can probably guess, Bush is going to lose a lot of military votes as a result of this. Good thing for him the internet voting system they were working on has been shelved.

If there weren't reasons enough to hate this guy, now he fucks over our armed forces. Does he really think doing something like this is going to help his career? He must have some plan to once again steal the election, because in all honesty, I don't think I could respect anybody who votes for him after this.

Friday, February 06, 2004

THIS JUST IN!

The US government, in an attempt to help streamline internal correspondence and, hopefully, win this War on Terror, have decided to phase out Courier New 12 as the de facto font for documents within the system.

"In response to many requests and with a view to making our written work easier to read, we are moving to a new standard font: 'Times New Roman 14'," said the obviously anti-Courier policymaking bigots within our rotten system, stating that the change would take place effective February 1st. Thanks for letting me know now! Do you realize how much time it's going to take to reformat all my documents?

When stopped outside a well known Beltway eatery, Courier New 12 said, " What? Now I'm not good enough for the Hill? I have been working my ass off for years and this is the thanks I get? I guess the 'New' in my name isn't quite new enough for Bush and his cronies! I'm sure [Times New Roman 14] feels pretty good about this, but I have children to feed!" The recently deposed font also commented that, "I have been in a lot of sensitive documents, you know! Who knows what could be leaked to the press if I am dismissed like this?"

Times New Roman 14's representatives had no official comment, except to say that C.N. 12 should "stop being such a whiny little bitch."

The Gestapo arm of the RIAA, the MIPI, have stormed the offices of local companies of P2P software in an effort to collect information on these rogue businesses and their hand in facilitating copyright infringement through filesharing. These acronym-happy stormtroopers are trying to shut down music swapping in the Land Down Under using any and all legal tricks they have up their sleeves. The worst of which is the infamous Anton Pilar order, which may sound like another front for the Illuminati, but is actually an order which allows copyright holders to enter premises without warrants in order to seize supposed copyrighted material. All I can say is, thank God I live in America.

While this action may be seen as a victory in the eyes of the RIAA, one can only laugh when they consider that every Kylie Menogue single ever worth a crap is now all over the web. So are all the Silverchair singles. Men At Work may stand to profit minutely from this, but their songs are quickly approaching the horizon of public domain, and who really listens to those guys anymore anyway? I mean, except me. This just shows how desperate the record companies have got in their efforts to pull some added revenue from their intellectual properties. No doubt the new artists signed to these labels are incurring the expense for these legal maneuvers. It makes you wonder why a new band would want to sign with one of the Big Guys nowadays anyhow. I mean, they suck the very essence from your band until you have paid them back for advertising and tour expenses, now they are probably siphoning off of you to cover legal expenses too.

Let's hear it for independent labels, who absolutely love P2P fileswapping. It's free advertisement, and they have figured out early that if you put more good songs on a CD and spend some time on cover art, that the fans will buy it anyway. Sony Music could learn a lot from them.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

The Patriots won the Super Bowl, and I couldn't be happier. As an added bonus, we all got to see one of Janet Jackson's tits. Does the game get any better than that? Hell, no. But now Janet is saying that she never intended the flashing to go as far as it did, even though she clearly was wearing some sort of rhinestone pastie over her nipple when Justin Timberlake ripped off the cup. That seems premeditated to me.

Anyway, the Patriots won, so lets all celebrate. Even though it was two days ago.