Tuesday, October 28, 2003

ABC News is going to put out a new documentary on November 20th which it hopes will end once and for all any doubt that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. Through the use of computer animation Tom Yellin, executive producer of the special, will show that all available evidence will point to the "lone gunman" theory as being the only viable conclusion one can come to.

"ABC News worked with an expert who created a computer-generated reconstruction of the shooting based on maps, blueprints, physical measurements, more than 500 photographs, films and autopsy reports, ABC said. It enables a person to view the scene from any number of perspectives, including what Oswald saw from the sixth floor of the former Texas school book depository, Yellin said. 'When you do that, it's chillingly clear what happened,' Yellin said. He dismisses theories that there was another gunman. Through interviews and other documentation, ABC News also concludes that Jack Ruby, who later killed Oswald, acted simply out of his love for Kennedy." Okay, so the computer generated animations are going to show that Jack Ruby loved the president? What about all the testimony concerning his tirades about the president? What about the multiple witnesses who claim they heard shots coming from the grassy knoll? What about the "Magic Bullet" theory, which is the most ridiculous part of the entire investigation? Oh, yeah, you're just going to dismiss that, aren't you?


Saturday, October 18, 2003

Well, I got some great news last night. My buddy Buckwheat is now a dad! Jackson Maxwell Baumgardt was born this last Tuesday, October 14th at 8:53pm. He came in at a whopping 9 pounds 3 ounces. This necessitated a c-section, since Buckwheat's girlie is so tiny, but all are well and back home as of last night. Congratulations to the new father!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

I have found a website for Christian kids that explains all the facts about life and the universe. No longer will my mind be poisoned by the fallacies of modern science. I found out that the T-Rex was an herbivore, so the little creatures of the Ark were safe from harm. I also found out that dinosaurs still roam the Earth! Yet, strangely, I found out that dinosaurs died out during the Great Flood. Another nugget of Truth: the Bombardier Beetle shoots an acidic stream out of it's ass as a defense against evil AND as a testament against the false doctrine of Evolution!

Did you know that kangaroos lived in the Middle East? According to this website, they did! They just weren't mentioned in the inventory of the Ark because of all the sheep , cattle, and velociraptors(which must have been herbivores as well). "There is also an alternative theory that some kangaroos and other baramins destined for Australia "rafted" across the Tethys Sea on floating mats of vegetation ripped up by the Flood. However, this is still "controversial" quoteth the Website Of Ultimate Truth. About this time, my eyes began to dry out from bugging out of my head.

Let's look at a couple more.

1. There exists on the Earth a kangaroo called Hopsiah, The Kanga-Jew.

2. If you find out that an Atheist lives in you neighborhood, you must RUN and tell you parents or minister! AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

3. Polytheists are sad because they have too many gods.

4. Giraffes and moths can be friends.

5. Evolution goes against the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.

Amen.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

In other news, it has come to my attention that the coolest bar in San Francisco is closing it's doors.

Fulton Street, conveniently located close to the intersection of Fulton and Masonic, is one of the best bars ever in the history of bars. No, really. More like two bars than one, it catered to a diverse crowd; from the tattooed, body-piercing hipsters upstairs with the punk rock jukebox and the "midnight madness" style pool table(read:blacklight. Wooh! Trippy!) to the more sedate crowd of SF State students downstairs with their bright lights and Cosmopolitans. It was a bar so tragically hip, one could write a run-on sentence describing it and not even fix said sentence while proofreading! I have many fond memories(and non-memories) of sitting back at the expansive bar, drinking some of the best goddamn Long Island Iced Teas I've ever had next to the Red Room in Santa Cruz, and feeling like I was home. They always went out of their way to make me, a simple Valley kook, feel like a local. I even have one of their t-shirts, although the expletive written on the back requires that it be worn only in certain situations. If only one phrase were to capture the magic of this establishment, it would be, "Good Times!"

Sadly, those good times are about to end. On October 18th, Fulton will have it's last call. God knows what will be installed on this historic piece of property when Fulton is gone, but let's hope it isn't some kind of foofy wine bar. That would be like building a housing development over an old graveyard, a decision with catastrophic consequences, as all who have watched Poltergeist can attest to.

By now we've all heard of the tiger incident that befell Roy of Siegfried and Roy fame. While I could make several jokes about it, they would all be in bad taste. But readers of The Onion will probably remember an op/ed piece about Roy that appeared on their site just two days before the accident. Well, The Onion wisely decided to pull this piece because of the tragic events that happened subsequent to publication. But if you missed it, Google has cached it for your reading pleasure. Take a look at it here if you missed it last week.