Friday, August 01, 2003

I didn't write this, but I think it deserves printing here anyway for educational purposes.
I present to you A Guide To Marathon Drinking by Chi Chi Fellipe:

When I was 17, my friends rented a cabin in my hometown for the summer. The cabin quickly became "the spot" in my tiny island community, where Dionysian parties would be held, resulting in great feats of debauchery and roof-jumping. But the one memory from that hazy summer that sticks with me to this day was the sight of a man in his late twenties, who came to the cabin one cool summer evening in order to hang out with us. From outward appearances, nothing seemed different or out of place with the man, until word spread that he was working on his 33rd beer of the day. That was not a typo. Thirty-three beers in one day. And it was only 7:30. I decided once and for all that I, too, would someday acclomplish this feat of daring consumption. Did I ever achieve 33? Shit no. The guy had about 200 lbs. over me. But I did master the art of marathon drinking.

Marathon drinking is no task for the weak willed. It takes cunning, extreme concentration, and the willingness to shut any hopes of getting some pussy out of your life for at least a few years. What seperates a marathon drinker from a normal binge drinker is pace. The normal binge drinker, in an effort to impress those in the herd, will guzzle, slurp, shotgun and shoot as much alcohol into his system as quickly as possible. This is wrong. No one has won the Boston Marathon by sprinting the entire 26 miles; it's impossible. You'd die. The same holds true with marathon drinking. You have to take it nice and slooowww...

First off, you need conditioning. Practice drinking beers at least one full year before making a marathon attempt. If your tolerance for intoxicating spirits is low, say 5 or 6 drinks, then you are either a woman or a nancy-boy. So work on finishing eight beers without puking. Eight is a pretty good starting point. People are reasonably impressed by someone who has downed 8 beers over the course of an evening. But imagine when word spreads that you've finished a case. You'll be a god among the frat-boy jock generation among whom we now reside. Gradually increase your intake until you can finish 12, or a half rack. Again, you have past another milestone. The trick now is to keep on keepin' on, as they say in AA. Stick to a twelver each day of the weekend. Quaff 12 on Friday, and another 12 on Saturday. For maintenance during this loading phase of alcohol tolerance, try on Wednesday to finish enough beers to make you wish you hadn't the following morning. No one said this was going to be easy, assclown, now do it!

Again, let me state that the marathon is not for the weak willed. A good exercise to try in the months leading up to your marathon is the "Millenium Club", or the "100 Shot Club." In this seemingly innocuous training regimen, you and whatever dumb little buddies you can drag along drink one shot glass of beer every minute for one hundred minutes. Sounds easy, huh? Let's do the math: One 1 1/2 oz. shot glass times 100 equals 150 oz. of beer. One-hundred fifty divided by 12 (the amount of ounces of beer in one can) equals to somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 and a half beers in 100 minutes, or one can of beer every 8 minutes . If you can make it all the way to 100 without puking, and still keep drinking, then you are ready for the marathon you have trained so arduously for.

Pick a day where you have absolutely nothing at all to do, preferably a weekend. Convince your dumb little buddies that you should all start drinking at a predetermined time in the afternoon, the earlier the better. Twelve noon is most appropriate and convienient. Now, start drinking. Slowly. Sip on your beers, savor the flavor. It's best if you simply sit down on a picnic table with the cooler within arms reach. Drink at least half of the beers in a case by 4:30. This is where your training comes in. You should be drunk, but not too drunk. A few notches over buzzed perhaps, but if you're already starting to suffer from the headspins, you're in serious trouble. The first half of the marathon was to prime your guts for the latter half. And the half way point is where many, many people simply lose control. They begin bragging about the amount of beer consumed, inviting dares from friends that will most certainly result in absolute failure. Keep drinking at a reasonable pace, but above all, remain focused!

Undoubtably you will have grown hungry during the tenure of your marathon, but do not eat anything substantial. Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips or a reasonable substitute work best. Now give yourself a good stretch and get ready to go, cause you're gonna finish this case of Bud, whether you like it or not. Gradually increase the speed at which you drink each beer. Begin walking around, talking to people you know. Always keep a beer in your hand, if not for convienience so much as for image. Image is vitally important. Don't go too fast or you're liable to end up blacked-out, in a pool of vomit, or unconcious with black-marker all over your face. Don't go too slow or you will lose your buzz and the desire to keep drinking. Not to mention the constant taunting of your friends, disgusted by your "pussying out at 9:30." By now, you've probably lost count. In fact, as hard as you try to think of it, you simply can't put a finger on the amount you've taken in. Success! This is almost certainly a sign that you have reached the 24-beer mark. What you do from there is up to you, but proceed with extreme caution. I myself, after a marathon drinking session, vaguely remember rowing a boat with one oar across the ocean, returning to my hometown, climbing into a car and breaking into homes at 2:30 in the morning with a morbidly obese redneck trying to score a few more drops of sweet, sweet booze. And by Jesus, the next day I was a legend!


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