Saturday, August 02, 2003

Breakdancing was a short-lived fad that was wiped out when fashion taste and gangsta rap gained in popularity in the late 80's. Although now there is a growing underground movement to bring back this lost art form, the peak for breakdancing was about 1984. During this magical year, Reagan was our king and people were asking the important question, "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!". Amidst this trumoil arose a simple movie, Breakin'. While this movie was simply bad, it was overshadowed by it's unholy offspring, released later in the same year.

Kneel before Breakin' II - Electric Boogaloo.

Kelly(Lucinda Dickey) is getting tired of Broadway dancin' and shit, yo. Her privileged upbringing is like some great millstone around her neck. Fancy cars and good hygiene just seem so oppressive. She's a dancer, and dancers need to spread their wings. She feels the need to once again immerse herself in the seedy world of street dancing. Against all better judgement, Kelly heads to East LA and her friends Ozone(Adolfo "Shabba Doo" Quinones) and Turbo(Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers). I shit you not. These guys' street names were even stupider than their movie names. Kelly now has the persona "Special K", which is what you think when you see her acting ability. It's so nice when "special" people get a break once in a while, like Corky on "Life Goes On".

In the five months that Special K has been traipsing around Broadway being an incompetent dancer, Ozone and Turbo have become teachers at a community center dubbed "Miracles". Not a bad feat for five months worth of work, although in real life it was six months between movie releases. Yes, you can craft and release a movie in six months, but don't expect to get alot of story out of it. Miracles is a huge yellow monstrosity that inner-city children can go to develop their inner talents, if those talents happen to be wearing atrocious outfits that would get your ass kicked in the real LA and breakdancing. Oh, yeah, and the mime guy. Can't forget the pastyfaced pedophile.

Not all is well in the inner city, however. Corporate jerks have decided that the current site of Miracles would be better suited to a strip mall. I concur. All they have to do is knock down Miracles, and the world's first Starbucks could be built. Miracles needs to come up with $200,000 in 30 days or it gets knocked down. Nowadays street thugs would just sling rocks for the money, but these guys ain't no street thugs. They're artists, and their solution must be similarly artsy fartsy. The answer? A fundraiser featuring the talented folks at Miracles. You know, with dancing and miming and whatnot.

Our beleaguered heros are fighting adversity in all sides. Not only do they need to fight asshole developers, but they also have to battle their superfoes, Electrorock! These guys were thrown into the movie because they were in the last movie. The dancefight that these two groups get into is, well...not really interesting. It does show, however, that Kelly can't breakdance either. At least Electrorock doesn't wear neon like everyone else in this movie, and that is cause enough to root for them. In a nutshell, they have no purpose being in this movie except to have yet another dancing scene showcasing the main characters' limited repertoire of dance moves. Remember, the movie was shot and released in six months. There's going to be filler in there somewhere.

Don't think that that's all there is in the personal conflict department, cuz it ain't, fool. Turbo has finally realized that he has a dick and has fallen in love with a latina that can't speak a lick of english. Ozone gives some fatherly advice in the shape of molesting a blow up doll in , you guessed it, a dance sequence! Turbo realizes after this that he and Lucia(the latina) can communicate through the "unversal language", unprotected sex and regret. Let's wish him luck.

Speacial K also has Ozone's ex all over her ass. Although the logical conclusion of this issue would be a bitchin' catfight scene, this never happens. There is no resolution to this problem, which means we have introduced another character into this movie who serves no purpose. She can't even dance. Seriously, I'm waiting for me to show up as a cameo in this flick. By the way, Ice T is in this movie as well, and he wears more studded leather than any three homosexuals on Fetish Night in the Castro.

Oh shit! Turbo stole some property in a bid to hamper the zoning crew's efforts to earn some income and fell down some stairs! Oh, wait, it was obviously a stunt double. Whew! Let's back up a bit. The city decided that the building housing Miracles is unsafe, so zoners began surveying the property. Turbo grabbed their crap and played "keep away" with the zoners until he tripped down a set of stairs. Again, there seems no need for this scene, but it does offer one benefit. When Turbo awakes from the coma he was put in by the fall, the hospital erupts into dancing. At this point, this is the longest the movie has gone without a dance number. I'm starting to really look foward to the next one, if only to drop the storyline for a couple more minutes.

We're getting to close to a resolution here, folks, I can feel it. While preparing for the fundraising shindig, bulldozers show up to raze the structure without permits. Turbo hobbles in front of the earthmovers in a rebellious move reminiscent of Tiananmen Square. This causes the developers to have a change of heart and not knock down Miracles. Does any of this make sense to you? Because I actually watched this movie, and I'm lost. Who wrote this piece of shit? They still need to raise the money for the renovations, so I'm guessing there might be another dance number before this review is through.

If you have watched this movie, you know what is coming up. A ludicrous display of neon-colored clothing, breakin' old school on a huge stage. Such a display of niche-fashion is worth $200,000, and that's exactly what Miracles needs. Who coughs up the moolah? Kelly's parents, of course. They served no other purpose in the film, so they had to come through in the end. Not like Electrorock and Ozone's ex-girlfriend, who we never see again. Wasted talent is hard to watch, but then again, the whole movie is kinda hard to stomach.

All things being equal, I love this movie. It is cheezy in such a unique way that is deserves to be in everyone's DVD collection. Oh, yeah, it's on DVD. Good luck finding it, it took me a whole weekend to trace this gem down and in the end, I got the very last copy. This was either because there was a huge demand for this movie, or a limited release. The smart money is on "limited release".

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