Wednesday, April 16, 2003

As a way of adding new content to Intellectual Excrement, it has been suggested that I develop an "Ask Taco" column for people out there to ask some hard questions that deserve hard answers. Any topic, any angle, any time. I have already received some, so let's see what's in the bag:

"Dear Taco,
I have not been able to sleep since I read your story on chickens being
thrown into wood chippers, My Mommy said she is no longer able to make
babies, which I guess makes her 'spent'. Does this mean Daddy will
throw her in a wood chipper too?"
-Amy, age 9

Amy,
I don't know your father, so I can't guess at what he may do in a fit of anger. But if he likes children, he may do the "adult" version of tossing Mom in a chipper: He may start dating a younger woman. After a while, your parents will go through a thing called divorce, which basically means Daddy will move in with the slut he has been banging and your Mom will start saying mean things about him. Every weekend, your Dad will come over and buy you nice new toys and clothes in an effort to "win" your love. Your Mom will start to do the same. As you grow older, you can use this leverage to get away with just about anything from cutting class to staying out all night. If one of them gives you lip, you just shout, "Mommy/Daddy loves me more! They understand me! I should just go live with them!" This threat will topple whatever will and self-respect they have, and you will get your way!

So in short, your Daddy might not throw her into a wood chipper for being spent, but she may wish he had.

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