Friday, January 31, 2003

What the feck am I doing up right now? The Sun isn't even up! I got nothing, so read this article and i'll get back to you. Now you know why rats don't use cell phones.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

I am just watching "Friends" on NBC Prime Time TV and I have to ask, why do the male leads have such dark suntans that they look like Karen Silkwood? Sorry this seems so obtuse, but I'm really a prime time virgin. I don't get it.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

This may be the greatest reason to move to Madison, WI. My bags are packed!

Man Fatally Shot While Beating Dog With Shotgun. What an asshole! This guy came to the clearing at the end of his path because the dog bit him. The article says, "the wife Raymond Poore Jr. found him covered with dog bites and suffering from a shotgun wound to his abdomen" so it's obvious the dog took a couple more nips while the jerk was on the ground. Good boy!

Now, if your intent was to murder the family pet, and you had a shotgun in your hand, how would you go about it? Me, I would have shot the dog. Apparently, this guy was struck by inspiration right before he was struck by buckshot. Using a shotgun as a bludgeoning instrument is kinda like swinging a lawnmower around over your head as an insect repellent.

I wish I had something else witty to say, but I guess I don't. I apologize.

Monday, January 27, 2003

I'm really pissed that Oakland lost, but the anger has been cushioned by my sudden windfall of $5 from Karen, who is expecting. There is nothing sweeter than extorting money from the pregnant! Now that I've got that out of the way, let's get to the good stuff...

Once I returned to my house, my neighbors took me to a "Battle Of The Bands" in Campbell. We walked in to the excellent musical stylings of "Timmy". These guys really smoked! They showed a talent rarely witnessed in the San Jose music scene: They could play their instruments competently. I was briefly taken out of the fairly crowded Gaslighter Theatre into another realm where blues bands could co-exist with punk bands in the south bay without mutually destroying each other. I know that sounds like nonsense, I'm drunk. What I'm trying to say here is that Timmy was good. I enjoyed the experience particularly since I was a hippie, and this was hippie-type jam music. At least, that was the impression I got when we arrived. We walked in on an original tune called "Everything Is", and I was immediately hooked. It's not often that I buy a CD from a band I have seen based solely on a couple of songs, but I rushed into the lobby and purchased one even before they had finished thier SRV-laden interpretation of "Voodoo Chile". The audience seemed almost completely filled by Timmyheads, and the pit thinned out appreciatively when they left the stage.

After that was The Feathers, a San Jose favorite. I would love to write a favorable review of this band, but I can't. I love these guys, make no doubt about it, but their lack of enthusiasm while performing was almost palpable. They trudged through their songlist, and when they exited, you didn't really notice. I know I'm going to get alot of nasty e-mails because of these comments, but heel your dogs. I know that The Feathers normally rock, I've seen them, but following an act like Timmy is really hard to do. Still, they received a great response from the audience, and that's what you shoot for in these types of things. Did I mention that The Feathers have a great entourage of cool and cute south bay punk rock chicks? Hotties on stage, hotties in the crowd, how accommodating! After the show, everyone went to the Caravan. Jonny, Stacy (Cakes), and I went to the Weiner Haus and got chili fries. Then I went to sleep.
Rock On!

Saturday, January 25, 2003

What would your last words to the world be? For this guy, it was, "Oh, shit!"

I went to the DK show at the Icon on Thursday, and let me just say that this was the first show in quite a while that I managed to stay sober all the way through the show. Please, keep your screams of disbelief down, I'm trying to write. Part of the reason I was able to accomplish this goal was using my friend Lauren as a ride. She takes lagging to a whole new plateau. It's like she's constantly set to daylight savings time: she will always be an hour late. Sooooooo, we missed the first two bands. I was extremely bummed by this as the Texas Thieves played first, and by all accounts, they were the best band that night. We also missed the Fuzz, but i don't know who those guys are, so let's just ignore them.

The Cliftons came out in their normal, haphazard way. The first few minutes were taken up by the rest of the band calling out for Billy Bob, the lead singer. He was high on mushrooms at the time and may have confused their calls with the voices in his head. Nevertheless, he eventually came to his senses and joined the rest of the band on stage. He displayed his prodigious gut, emblazoned with the words "Fuck Me", written with what appeared to be boot polish. And when he turned around, it was obvious that he was wearing a pink g-string under his jeans. Yes, you heard me right. Like I said, he was on mushrooms. As the band began, Billy Bob swayed around and kept in time as much as he could. I had read other reviews of Cliftons shows and was reminded of one journalist's description of Billy Bob's stage antics as "the stumbling around of a stubborn toddler". Well, the baby was definitely in the hizzie that night. My favorite part of the show: Billy Bob mooing like a cow loudly into the mic during "Rock Out". The show ended with all of the members careening into one another, then collapsing into the drumkit, while the crowd cheered an encouraging "Fuck You!!!".

After that, the Dead Kennedys came on. Now, these guys need a new image. I think they would have gotten a warmer welcome if they had just billed themselves as a DK cover band, rather than the real deal. Brandon Cruz, recently with Dr. Know and further back The Courtship Of Eddie's Father, was competent as a singer. Yet it felt like they were trying too hard. I can understand not liking the fact that, being one of the original punk bands, you got out-punked by all the opening bands, but that's what happened. Another big flop at the show: me pointing at Brandon and saying, "Hey! That guy's dad is the Incredible Hulk!". Only one person got that joke, and it made both of us feel old.

If you would like to know more about The Cliftons, go to Super Speedway Music and order their stuff. The t-shirts are in this year, but be advised: if you don't soak it in beer for at least twenty minutes, no one will believe that you went to one of their shows. The Texas Thieves actually have their own website, so you can take a gander at their shit, as well. I'm actually wearing one of their tees right now! Huzzah!

I don't know about the other guys, that's how much they impressed me. Refering to the top of this entry, I might as well have blacked out at the end of the show. DK was that boring.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Well, it has certainly been a while! Let's get this party started...

I went to Reno a couple of weeks ago to look at what the employment situation was like. I had already heard all these great stories about how beautiful it was out there, how there were jobs up the ol' wazoo, how there were really cheap places to live out there, and how you don't have to pay income tax! So I went. I found out some important things:

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you like yellow, red, and brown, yet loathe green, Reno is for you! The water is so expensive there that most homeowners have to decide whether they want a half-dead lawn, or a totally dead tree. Seems like most just go for the sagebrush. Ergo, there are no trees in Reno. It gives you the impression of a gambling resort on Mars. Not my cup o' joe.
2. There are indeed alot of jobs out there if you want to work in the "gaming industry". I don't work in this field, and seeing that there were absolutely no other jobs in the classifieds, I was somewhat crestfallen. But not really(see #1).
3. Of course it's cheap to live out there! There isn't anything there! If they raised the rents or started charging income tax, everybody would move, and the Paiutes could just take the land back. It actually sounds like a good idea, now that I think about it.
4. Clean air? Where would that be, exactly? They have "Spare The Air" days just like us, but because of wood burning fireplaces. And this wood is imported(see #1). The reason: the temperature varies between 15 deg. and 80 deg. in a single day. In other words, don't put away your winter wardrobe just because it's July. You're gonna need it tonight.

Now, I did have a good time while there. I got some real quality time with the old man, and we needed it. I got a little drunk with the folks, too. But even though the flight out there is only about $39, I don't think I'm going to make that shitsplat of a town my home.

Now you can rest easy.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

I have come to realize that there is a serious problem with our government. No, not Medicare, I'm talking about the government agents hired to subtly fuck with select people. These guys are being paid public tax dollars to pull the seams out of sneakers, artificially wear holes in underwear, and pour out prodigious amounts of creamer substitute in a ingenious plan to make these few select people appear "crazy". Whew! That was some sentence! Anyway, after reading this website, you will be amazed at how thorough these guys can be. I tell ya, they don't miss a trick! The one thing that stunned me the most: they had perpetrated these insidious crimes without leaving any evidence whatsoever as to their involvement. You could actually believe that these folks were crazy!

Thursday, January 09, 2003

Two Moon Park in Billings, Montana, is the newest site for positive proof that we are being invaded by either ETs or devil worshipers. The park authorities refuse to comment on it publicly, but if you look at the site I think you will see all the proof you need. It certainly opened my eyes.

And Spiderman is involved? Shameful.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Jan Smithers. You remember her as Bailey Quarters from WKRP in Cincinnati, and now the clarion call has gone out to find out what exactly happened to her. This guy may be obsessed, but he's consistent. This seems like a really long time to have a crush on a TV celeb. Let's wish him the best of luck.

Friday, January 03, 2003

I swear to God my parents are trying to kill me.

They asked me to come over and help them take some of their stuff to the dump because they are relocating to Reno at the end of the month. Doesn't really sound that hard, does it? Well, the small amount of stuff they wanted to remove actually came out to weigh 5,000 lbs. That's two and a half tons of crap they wanted to throw away! And they only rented the truck for one day! Now, if I had help with this project, that would have been one thing. But both of my parents have bad backs. Now I have one, too. Luckily, I was able to get all of this crap out of their house. Now they want me to "help" them move all of their heavy stuff up to Reno in a week. This involves another truck and the possibility of driving it all the way there through the snow and unloading it on my own. Can you say, "Whoopee!"?